60 SECOND SCREENPLAY

TF SAVES YOU THE COST OF A MOVIE EVERY MONTH. THIS ISSUE: THE BEEKEEPER

FADE IN:

EXT. FIELD, MASSACHUSETTS JASON STATHAM is an ex-member of an elite government assassin group known as The Beekeepers. He now stays hidden under the radar by working as an actual beekeeper.

LANDLADY PHYLICIA RASHAD Oh no, my computer virus was actually a scam and they have cleared me out of all my money, which improbably added up to millions of dollars.

She kills herself. Her body is found by her daughter EMMY RAVER-LAMPMAN, who just happens to be an FBI agent.

AGENT EMMY Why wouldn’t she at least see if the police could recover the money? I mean, she knows I work for the FBI.

JASON STATHAM It’s bang out of order. The people who did this are about to get stung. Because bees.

INT: CALL CENTRE JASON STATHAM arrives at their offices, beats everyone up and blows up the entire building. The company’s douchebag boss JOSH HUTCHERSON asks JEREMY IRONS for help.

JEREMY IRONS Even though I used to be the director of the CIA and have somehow ended up running security for you, there’s nothing I can do.

JOSH HUTCHERSON Well, I’ll get the guy he just beat up to kill him. I’m sure that will work.

Henchmen destroy JASON STATHAM’s beehives. He kills them all, apart from the main guy, who gets his fingers chopped off and is then tied to a truck that speeds off a bridge.

JASON STATHAM I’m going to destroy your entire bees-ness. Business. Y’know… because bees.

JEREMY IRONS Oh, he’s a Beekeeper? Yeah, sorry, you’re going to die. Beekeepers are unstoppable in this weird mythology we’re creating.

INT: FBI HEADQUARTERS AGENT EMMY realises that JASON STATHAM is responsible for all the violent attacks she has been investigating. Meanwhile, JEREMY IRONS calls in a favour.

MINNIE DRIVER CAMEO You’re having a problem with the old Beekeeper? No worries, I’ll send the new Beekeeper to kill him.

JEREMY IRONS No, don’t do that – she’s crazy! This makes things worse! Somehow.

The new Beekeeper fights JASON STATHAM and he eventually defeats her by throwing a jar of honey at her head. JEREMY IRONS then hires mercenaries to kill him.

JEREMY IRONS I need you to kill the Beekeeper because, just like a bee, he will protect the hive, and bees work until they die so… yes, he is both a beekeeper and a bee in this confusing analogy.

INT: BEACH MANSION AGENT EMMY discovers a picture of JOSH HUTCHERSON that reveals he is the son of PRESIDENT JEMMA REDGRAVE, a twist that everyone guessed 30 minutes ago. She has a party.

AGENT EMMY Apparently there is a bee called the Queenslayer, which will kill the queen if she produces defective male offspring. Maybe he’s going to kill the president at her party?

AGENT EMMY’S PARTNER Yes, we cannot rule out the theory that this intelligent human man is actually just acting like a bee.

JASON STATHAM beats up literally everyone at the party, including 75-year-old JEREMY IRONS, until he is in a stand-off with PRESIDENT JEMMA REDGRAVE and JOSH HUTCHERSON.

PRESIDENT JEMMA REDGRAVE I’m actually innocent in all of this. Killing me would just be confusing for the audience.

JOSH HUTCHERSON No need! I’ll kill you for no reason other than to establish myself as the one real villain.

JASON STATHAM kills him before he does and escapes out the window. AGENT EMMY has a clear chance to shoot him but respectfully lets him go despite all the carnage he has caused.

FIN

JASON STATHAM Thank you. See you again in the sequel. The Beekeeper 2: Bee Afraid, Bee Very Afraid. Because Bees.

NEXT ISSUE: MADAME WEB

GETT Y, SKY