60 SECOND SCREENPLAY

TF SAVES YOU THE COST OF A MOVIE EVERY MONTH. THIS ISSUE: MADAME WEB

FADE IN:

EXT: PERUVIAN JUNGLE

In 1973, DAKOTA JOHNSON’s pregnant mum is in the Amazon researching spiders, right before she dies at the hand of TAHAR RAHIM. A handy spider tribe saves the baby.

EXT: NEW YORK

In 2003, paramedic DAKOTA JOHNSON is in an ambulance researching an emergency, right before she nearly dies. Her colleague ADAM SCOTT revives her.

ADAM SCOTT

You’re OK! Phew! Don’t worry, you’re alive and well and starring in one of Sony’s Spider-Man spin-offs.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Oh no, I think I can see the future now and things don’t look too good…

INT: OPERA HOUSE

TAHAR RAHIM uses his wealth and charm to seduce a woman. Then he ruins the mood by telling her about his dream.

TAHAR RAHIM

I have a vision that I will be killed by three women in spider costumes, so I need to find and kill them now – in my own spider costume, for some reason.

DAKOTA JOHNSON has a vision about a balloon bursting. It does. Then she has a vision about her boss dying in a traffic accident. He does. Then she has a vision about a pigeon flying into her window. She opens the window.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

I saved the pigeon! That means the future can be changed! Kinda wish I had tested this after the balloon.

EXT: GRAND CENTRAL STATION

DAKOTA JOHNSON gets the same train as SYDNEY SWEENEY, ISABELA MERCED and CELESTE O’CONNOR. She has a long, repetitive vision about TAHAR RAHIM killing them. They run away.

SYDNEY SWEENEY

You saved us from that Spider-M…PERSON. Spider-Person. I think we’re all connected and this was fate, which is a loose concept in this film. Plus, we all have abandonment issues.

DAKOTA JOHNSON immediately abandons them. The girls go to a diner and get recognised from the newspaper, even though the attack only happened a few hours ago. TAHAR RAHIM arrives and kills them.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Twist! That was one of my visions! Now I need to save them in time. It would have been useful to get that vision much earlier, really.

INT: MOTEL

DAKOTA JOHNSON teaches the girls CPR just in case it comes in handy later on. They talk openly about their abandonment issues.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Right. Uh-huh. Hey, I need to leave you and go to Peru on a whim. You’ll stay with my friend Adam Scott and put his pregnant sister in mortal danger.

She travels to the Amazon and immediately finds the area that took her mum years to discover. The chief of the spider-people tribe greets her and makes her perform astral projection.

SPIDER-CHIEF

A spider somehow gave you the ability to see every possible future. When you take on the responsibility, great power will come… which is basically the opposite of Spider-Man’s thing.

EXT: WAREHOUSE

TAHAR RAHIM attacks the girls. DAKOTA JOHNSON returns from her 20-minute trip to Peru to save them. They run into an abandoned warehouse full of explosives that are really just cheap fireworks.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Now I can see all possible futures – somehow that means I can project myself to help all three girls at once. Nothing can stop me now.

TAHAR RAHIM punches her and she stops. Eventually a big Pepsi product placement falls and crushes him. DAKOTA JOHNSON falls into the river again.

ISABELA MERCED

Time to use that CPR training. Wow, she really can see the future.

INT: HOSPITAL

ADAM SCOTT’s sister gives birth to Peter Parker, but no one says his name in case it counts as a contractual use of the character. DAKOTA JOHNSON is now blind and in a wheelchair.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

You may think I’m blind, but I see all three of you girls becoming spider-heroes in a much more interesting sequel.

CELESTE O’CONNOR

Oh dear, I think she’s lost her superpowers…

NEXT ISSUE: GODZILLA X KONG: THE NEW EMPIRE

FIN

SONY