Dialogue

Mail, rants, theories etc.

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★ STAR LETTER

As a man of a certain age, I can’t help noticing that the iconic superhero pose - down on one knee, hand on the raised knee - is exactly the same pose I use to lever myself back up off the floor, with an involuntary groan, when I’ve been playing with the dogs. With Hulk, Hawkeye and Iron Man all in their 50s, and even Thor and Black Widow entering their 40s, this makes a lot of sense to me.

The TF staffers who are also of a certain age feel your pain, Simon. Our other ‘superheroic’ traits include joints that creak like Groot in high wind and a need to sleep longer than a deep-frozen Captain America. Simon and everyone with a letter printed here will receive a copy of supernatural horror Baghead, out now on DVD, BD and digital via Studiocanal. Didn’t send an address? Email it! Or nothing hood will come of this!

UNLUCKY NUMBER

I have an old-school portable DVD player that I watch while pedalling away on my exercise bike in my garage. Recently I went through an old box set of the original The Omen trilogy. While viewing the first (and best!) movie, just as David Warner lost his head in graphic style, I happened to glance down at the bike’s odometer, which read… 6.66km. I properly pants-ed myself. Am I the new Damien Thorn, with plans for world domination? Help!

TBH, we’re more concerned that you’ve been pedalling for more than five hours, if you’ve been working your way through an entire trilogy… Hope you’re not starting on a Bond box set next. PSA, readers: exercise is great, but do remember to take regular fitness breaks, eating snacks in front of a big noisy screen for an afternoon or two.

INTO THE SPIDER-WORSE

I’ve got a storyline for the next entry in Sony’s Spider-Man universe. Featuring yet another tangential superhero, this classic is sure to continue the success of Madame Web. Act I will see our protagonist face the challenge of climbing the world’s largest building, The Water Spout. In Act II, freak heavy rainfall will bring about a rapid descent for our hero. Act III: a subsequent heatwave will create drought conditions (global-warming subplot), which then allow our hero to go up The Spout again. The name of our superhero: Incy Wincy Spider-Woman!

We didn’t need Madame Web’s clairvoyance to see where you were going, David, but were hooked all the same. Just one thing: can this Water Spout be a giant falling/exploding object in the sky instead? Feels more Marvel. One other thing: where the hell is the cameo from Black Sheep (a resurrected Natasha Romanoff’s new codename), teasing her teammates Master, Dame and Lane Boy?? We need to keep the wheels on this bus going round and round!

STARTING ORDERS

Rewatched Scream 2. The opening frustrates me. It demonstrates everything I hate about disorganised people. They rock up just as the movie starts. Then within minutes they’re back out, one buying popcorn, the other having a pee. Get organised, people!! Don’t miss the start of the movie and don’t disrupt others. And don’t get me started on the rather fortunate cubicle-guessing by Ghostface. That was some prediction!

One does sometimes feel that movies could set a better example by depicting more considerate behaviour by cinemagoers. Granted, the Snow White scene in Gremlins probably wouldn’t be the same if the little monsters just sat there in monkish silence without popcorn bags on their ears. (On the other hand, wouldn’t want our local picture house to start dealing with chatterboxes by burning the building to the ground.)

PRAISING HOPE

In an issue typically filled with great content [issue 345], I almost missed the kudos in Golden Grahams for John Sayles and, in particular, his lost gem, City of Hope. It’s one of my favourite films, with a stellar cast of lesser (-used and -appreciated) lights, and I never fail to watch it if I see it on any given platform. Those final moments of the always-superb David Strathairn’s character vainly screaming for ‘HE ‐HELP!’ always hit me deep, where it counts.

Glad you liked, Ken. Yes, on the vast spectrum of ‘City’ movies, Sayles’ sits nearer the end with … Lights and …of God (rather than several kilometres further down with Police Academy 6: City Under Siege). And please don’t miss Jamie’s column - he’s sitting on more lost gems than Smaug the dragon.

SUITE TALK

Reading the review of Lisa Frankenstein in issue 348, I see that you describe the corpse in the film as ‘Riverdale’s Cole Sprouse’. Ermm, no, that should be ‘The Suite Life of Zack & Cody’s Cole Sprouse’! Just don’t ask me if he was Zack or Cody…

How about we compromise and henceforth refer to him as ‘Dialogue letter catalyst’ Cole Sprouse? Surely anyone would want to put that at the top of their CV.

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