YOU TALKIN’ TO ME?

IN THE CROSSHAIRS THIS MONTH…

FILM QUOTES POSE AS QUESTIONS. FILM STARS TRY TO COPE.

You talkin’ to me?

Yes, I am talking to you. I’m talking at you. I’m talking with you.

You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?

I am lucky [pause]. I should be dead. Not because I’ve battled a disease or anything that requires courage. But because I was a rowdy kid from Texas with imaginative friends, and we came up with the craziest stuff to do. When I think back on it, I absolutely 100% should be dead. Instead, I’m 52.

Do you have an ‘off’ switch?

Yes. I have an ‘off’ switch that works really well. My ‘on’ switch, however, there’s a short in it. You have to toggle the thing really well. But man, I can ‘off’ for any amount of time. It’s my preferred state.

Aren’t you a little short for a Stormtrooper?

Not only am I short for a Stormtrooper, I’m short for a KX unit in the Rogue One universe, and I require a pair of stilts fashioned by ILM with actual prosthetic legs. So prosthetic legs and ski boots, together. And that brings me to the proper 7ft 1in height that you need to be to be a KX unit.

How can you talk if you haven’t got a brain?

You just get campaign backers with special interests to support you, and they provide you with a script that’s pre-written. If you can’t read, for lack of brain, they’ll just pipe it into an earpiece. You don’t even have to get all the words right.

You talk the talk but can you walk the walk?

Yes, I do, although if my talking puts me in a position that I’m not comfortable walking in, I change my talk pretty fast. I will apologise. I will admit a mistake. I will abridge my speech, and edit it down to where I’m comfortable walking.

Can you fly this plane and land it?

It depends on your definition of ‘land’. It will be on the ground, absolutely. I, in my acting career, flew in Serenity. I flew some Star Wars ship, then a second Star Wars ship. And I flew one recently for Resident Alien. I’ve flown at least four spaceships, and crashed three. So I will land it. How many pieces? That I can’t say until the counting is done.

Why don’t you tell me the story of your life?

I won’t tell it because there are far more interesting stories. I’m a f***ing actor! It’s so boring. The stories I tell are more interesting than my own.

You ever have that feeling where you’re not sure if you’re awake or still dreaming?

I flew from Australia once, and went to go see Macbeth with Patrick Stewart the night I got back to New York City. I fell asleep and woke up in the middle of Act One, with Patrick Stewart standing centre stage, looking down on me, reciting his lines, staring straight at me. I made it to the intermission and left! I was just so ashamed.

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

My wife… she may have been the devil at one time [laughs]. You know those friends where you become a devil for one another? ‘What if we did this?’ We’d break into things, steal things – minor things. Nobody got hurt. Nobody lost anything. We stole a boat in Central Park at two in the morning and rode around the park in the pale moonlight – until we saw a cop, and then we ran like hell.

I say to you: ‘Don’t think about elephants.’ What do you think about?

Honestly, elephants, but just their feet. I think about the safari I went on in Ruaha, Tanzania, a month ago. We were doing a walking safari where you’re not in a truck. You’re just walking around, and you’ve got a guy with a gun. If the elephants hear or smell you, you’re in trouble.

You’ve waited your whole life for Sir Ector to shite himself to death?

That was First Knight! The year 2000, the Czech Republic. Five months, two weeks and two days with that crazy crew of people. We’d go out to bars at night, and if there was trouble, we’d all stand as one. And Heath Ledger was just brilliant. I think he turned 21 when we did that movie. He helped me out a lot over that summer. My closest friend died at the time and [Heath] moved me into his house and took care of me. He was 10 years my junior and was like, ‘I’ve got you, buddy.’ I was nursed to health by him and Heather

Graham. If it wasn’t for them, I, too, would have shite myself to death.

THE TROUBLE WITH JESSICA OPENS IN CINEMAS ON 15 MARCH.

QUESTIONS TAKEN FROM: TAXI DRIVER, DIRTY HARRY, DEADPOOL, STAR WARS: EPISODE IV – A NEW HOPE, THE WIZARD OF OZ, FULL METAL JACKET, AIRPLANE!, WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, THE MATRIX, BATMAN, INCEPTION, A KNIGHT’S TALE