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★STA R LETTER
After watching Drive My Car and The Transporter in the same week (not by design), I was struck by their superficial similarity and had fun imagining Jason Statham’s Frank Martin replacing Tôko Miura’s Misaki Watari and vice versa. Can you imagine Frank listening to Uncle Vanya and ferrying the ‘package’ – theatre director Yûsuke Kafuku – between home and rehearsals? Can readers think of any other daft swaps where action stars are inserted into arthouse gems because of their jobs? What would happen if Steven Seagal’s Under Siege chef turned up in Eat Drink Man Woman?
ALAN EDWARD ROBERTS, VIA EMAIL
Can we go with The Stath turning up unexpectedly, in a sort of new, fighty version of Rickrolling? Imagine 2001’s cosmic foetus replaced by our Jase kickboxing hapless satellites. Or steaming into The Seventh Seal to snatch the chessboard and use it as a lethal discus? ‘Checkmate, ya tosser!’ The possibilities are endless (and alarming). Alan and everyone with a letter printed here will receive a copy of Saw X, out now on 4K UHD, Blu-ray, DVD and digital via Lionsgate UK. Didn’t send an address? Email it! Or there’ll be no Bell prize!
TRUE BELIEVER
I finally got round to seeing the new Exorcist film, The Exorcist: Believer. I thought the movie was really slow to begin with; it took a while before anything creepy happened. But I did think the storyline was excellent, definitely as good as the original’s. I strongly encourage others to go and watch the film.
SUSAN CAWTE, ILFORD
[What would you want from a fifth Thor movie?] ‘Them to call it Thor + One’
You might want to brace yourself before turning the page, Susan; the power of mischief compelled us to give the movie the 60 Second Screenplay treatment. You’ll be pleased to know, though, that a sequel is on the cards for next year, which hopefully will offer Linda Blair an expanded role (and not in the sense of turning her into a giant ice-cream, a la 1990 spoof Repossessed).
TAKING A POP
As a lover of movies I am starting to get really annoyed about so many music stars getting roles in feature films. Why can’t these roles go to actors who need the work, rather than to someone just because they have a fan base? Grrrr!
CARL HOWARD, LOWESTOFT
So we take it you’re not backing LadBaby to be the next James Bond? True, it does strike a bum note with music-turned-movie stars when it’s a case of blatant stunt casting. On the other hand, if Ed Sheeran gave up his cameos then half of all Hollywood movies would be left with awkward 30-second gaps to fill.
WICK NOTE
I take complete umbrage with the claim in issue 337’s Dialogue that John Wick: Chapter 4 is the best fourquel ever made. I can’t think of a less valid notion. That movie was an atrocious display of overblown and underwritten excess. And everybody knows that the best fourquel ever made is Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter.
SUE FINN, WERRIBEE
WHAT YOU MISSED ON THE POD LAST MONTH
Chats with (deep breath) Timothée Chalamet, Greta Gerwig, Christopher Nolan, Natalie Portman, Zack Snyder, Taika Waititi and more (exhale)! Christmas Grinchiness! Plus reviews and more, every week!
OFFICE SPACED CHATTER ‘GEMS’ OVERHEARD IN THE TOTAL FILM OFFICE THIS MONTH…
*‘I really hope one of the Godzilla x Kong beasts ends up wearing a pyramid as a hat’ *‘Wish
I’d lived in the Old West. All you needed was a horse and a harmonica’
To paraphrase This Is Spinal Tap (see p93), what’s wrong with being excess-y? Interesting shout re:
The Final Chapter (even if we reckon Trading Standards need to retrospectively investigate that title – there have been about 27 more!).
Horror does seem to fare better than other genres when it comes to fourquels. By which we mean we’d take Bride of Chucky (see p89) or Scream 4 on an infinite loop over two minutes of Batman & Robin.
PREMIERE WIN
Now this is a ticket stub, from E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial’s UK premiere in August 1982. My note at the top reads, ‘2,000 cynics become 2,000 eightyear-olds!’ (Actually it was 3,000 in the Edinburgh Playhouse that night, as later confirmed by the BBC.) At two moments the majority of the audience stood up to applaud, and the cheers afterwards went on for ages. There was a sign on the Playhouse noticeboard afterwards – ‘E.T., phone home’ – which, believe me, was actually funny the first time you saw that reference. The previous Sunday I saw Blade Runner – what a summer that was!
ALAN MILLER, VIA EMAIL
FACEBOOK SHANE O’CONNOR
[on the Furiosa trailer] ‘I’ve never known the outback to be so crowded!’
Indeed – take that, Barbenheimer. How cool to have had your own personal cultural phenom, which we’ll dub, um… Blade Blubber? BMX-us 6? E.T. the Extra-Te-Rickstrial? OK, that’s just Dick-ing around now. Can anyone compete with Alan’s spectacular Spielberg/ Scott sci-fi double bill?
GREAT BEYOND
I think it’s a shame that very few people will see Beyond Utopia, the heartbreaking documentary about the marvellous work of Seungeun Kim (founder of the Caleb Mission), who assists persecuted individuals in fleeing North Korea. This is in spite of the fact that he risks being killed for advising refugees and has already suffered a broken neck while helping others escape. If only a top Hollywood studio would adapt this story to gain worldwide attention.
STEPHEN MCCARTHY, GLASGOW
We’d be slightly nervous that an adap would do the subject matter the same justice as the doc, but hard agree on the need to raise awareness of the movie. Hopefully Beyond Utopia will be a big part of the awardsseason conversation. (Is it that time already? Can we have a pre-emptive moan about Easter eggs already being on the shelf, in case we forget to do it next month?)
YOU CAN ALSO WRITE TO Total Film, 121-141 Westbourne Terrace, London, W2 6JR (postal addresses will be used for the sole purpose of sending out prizes)