60 SECOND SCREENPLAY

TF SAVES YOU THE COST OF A MOVIE EVERY MONTH. THIS ISSUE: EXPEND4BLES…

FADE IN:

EXT: LIBYA Terrorists attack an old military base using even older special FX. Meanwhile, in New Orleans, SYLVESTER STALLONE rides a big motorbike while smoking an even bigger cigar.

SYLVESTER STALLONE Jason, I need your help to get my ring back from a guy in a bar. I lost it in a bet and now I need you to fight everyone there so I can steal it back.

JASON STATHAM You regularly kill highly skilled operatives in horribly violent ways, but sure, I’ll help you have a bar fight.

INT: AIRCRAFT HANGAR The full gang convenes. Well, the ones that are available. Inexplicably, MEGAN FOX is also now an Expendable. She is also in a relationship with JASON STATHAM that involves lots of unfunny comic bickering.

CIA AGENT ANDY GARCIA Terrorists working for a mysterious mastermind known as Ocelot have stolen nuclear detonators. Your mission is to stop them. No stealth required. Just blow everything up.

The team destroys everything for the next 20 minutes. Despite this, the bad guys shoot down SYLVESTER STALLONE’s plane, killing him, and escape.

JASON STATHAM He can’t be dead! And yet there’s his corpse, burnt beyond all recognition, and it’s wearing his ring. Absolute proof that he really, really is dead.

INT: HOUSE, NEW ORLEANS CIA AGENT GARCIA chooses MEGAN FOX to be the new Expendables leader, firing JASON STATHAM, despite him obviously being the best one.

MEGAN FOX I’m sorry you’re off the team, but I have to leave on a highly classified mission to go after the bad guys.

They fight for a bit then decide to have sex instead. JASON gives her his lucky massive knife before she leaves.

JASON STATHAM Ha! There’s a tracker on that knife. Now I can follow them to their exact location.

EXT: HARBOUR While the team lands in the South China Sea, JASON arrives in Thailand. By remarkable coincidence, he runs into ex-Expendable TONY JAA. They fight for no reason.

TONY JAA Wait, is that Barney’s ring? Are you a friend of his? Oh fine, I’ll help you. We can take my boat.

EXT: FREIGHTER The elite squad of Expendables parachutes in and is immediately captured. Shortly after, JASON STATHAM carefully sneaks aboard, then nicks a radio.

JASON STATHAM Hey everyone, I’m here to fight you all by myself, like this is one of my solo movies.

He effortlessly kills 30 men before riding a motorbike around the ship to kill 30 more men. He then kills another 20 men on the way to rescue the team.

MEGAN FOX I knew you’d come for us. I even knew about the tracker. Our incompetence earlier was actually all part of the plan.

AGENT ANDY GARCIA The bad guys are going to nuke Russia. We have to stop them!

They all just haphazardly start killing more men. Eventually JASON STATHAM kills the terrorist leader.

AGENT ANDY GARCIA You’re too late! I have the kill switch for the nukes and… twist! I am mysterious mastermind Ocelot!

He throws it overboard. The team gives up on the mission, apart from JASON STATHAM who turns the freighter around with his bare hands. Suddenly a helicopter kills AGENT ANDY GARCIA with missiles.

SYLVESTER STALLONE Second twist! I’m not really dead! I faked it so that I could flush out Ocelot.

JASON STATHAM This definitely feels like something you could have told me about in advance.

INT: BAR After the nuclear bomb explodes in the sea, which is presumably absolutely fine, everyone celebrates SYLVESTER STALLONE being alive.

SYLVESTER STALLONE By the way, the burnt corpse that you saw? That was the guy that took my ring at the start of the film. He definitely deserved to die, probably.

JASON STATHAM Unbeliev4ble…

FIN NEXT ISSUE: THE EXORCIST: BELIEVER