Dialogue

Mail, rants, theories etc.

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★STAR LETTER

Your recent suggestion of a double bill of Back to the Future and Jaws 19 reminded me of the strangest actual double bill I’ve ever seen. It was around 1980 in Dublin, when I was there as a student. I would love to know who thought that these two films went together: The Exorcist and the movie version of Are You Being Served? Has anyone seen a stranger double bill?

Wow. That’s a hell of a gauntlet-throw, David. Captain Howdy and Captain Peacock, together at last! Reputedly one of the most disturbing films of all time (Dialogue’s never been brave enough to watch it)… followed by The Exorcist. David and everyone else with a letter printed here will receive a copy of RoboDoc: The Creation of RoboCop, available on Blu–ray collector’s edition on 18 December and digital on 1 January via Kaleidoscope Home Entertainment. Didn’t send an address? Email it! You have 20 seconds (-ish) to comply!

EAT OUR WORDS?

Sorry to complain about the otherwise very enjoyable Ridley Scott issue, but there was no absolutely no need to big up Hannibal with the exhortation ‘seriously, revisit it’. That suggests a reappraisal is due, but it’s a film that caused a huge impact on arrival in 2001, critically, commercially and in terms of the visceral audience reaction it provoked.

As far as I’m aware, its reputation as a hugely entertaining and shockinducing entry in the Scott canon is unchanged since it was released. Judging by his pugnacious replies in your interview, he’d be pretty pissed off if anyone suggested otherwise.

Agreed on that last point, though we would still argue that in the intervening years Hannibal hasn’t been as chewed over as some of Scott’s other films. And in any case, as a consumer publication it’s our duty to nudge you to watch something every other paragraph. In fact, what are you doing reading this? Fire up that cinema booking app, ASAP!

SAUSAGE ROLL-OVER

I refer to the recent letter concerning the use of numbers unimaginatively (and in some cases nonsensically) inserted into the titles of movie sequels [such as Expend4bles]. My preference is for a little more linguistic creativity; titles that denote some continuity from the original, indicating that the new film is not just the next bloated sausage skin being stuffed and filled to flop off the production line. My faves are: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, 28 Weeks Later, Analyze That, Before Midnight and of course, Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. These suggest to me that the movie is still a sausage, but interestingly could be a Cumberland, chorizo, Lincolnshire, bratwurst or chipmunkolata…

Not sure we’d like to try that last one on the list; feels like it would repeat on you horribly, causing great irritation and an allergy to sassy vermin with a penchant for painfully high harmonies. Pivoting the conversation slightly, we also enjoy continuity in taglines, especially the telling shift from Lethal Weapon 2’s ‘The magic is back!’ (note excited exclamation mark) to Lethal Weapon 3’s ‘The magic is back again.’ (note jaded full stop).

CAULD SHOULDER

There may be older tickets out there, but surely this is one of the best: a keepsake from the screening of a great film that marked the opening of our new three-screen ABC. The other choices were Back to the Future and The Black Cauldron.

I saw BttF a week later and loved it, but have still not seen The Black Cauldron, and probably never will. As for The Goonies, I still watch and enjoy it just as much.

That’s some proper treasure right there, Steve, and beautifully preserved; you could teach legendary pirates a thing of two about looking after their maps. Hard to disagree that The Black Cauldron is the lesser of those three movies, though the Horned King does rival One-Eyed Willy for eyebrow-raising names in kids’ movies.

CASTING ABOUT

Recently I saw some fan art featuring Earth’s mightiest heroes recast as 90s movie stars: Eddie Murphy as Falcon, Tom Cruise as Iron Man, Brad Pitt as Thor, Michael J. Fox as SpiderMan, Sharon Stone as Pepper Potts… Couldn’t help thinking, though, that I’d sleep tightest if the Avengers were played by these all-time Hollywood titans: John Wayne as Cap, Clark Gable as Iron Man, Marilyn Monroe as Black Widow, Charlie Chaplin as Ant-Man, Brando as the Hulk, Sidney Poitier as Black Panther… Just imagine Bogie and Bergman as Vision/Scarlet Witch: ‘Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time…’

WandaVision does Casablanca? We’re there. We can just picture the climax: the Quinjet waiting on the runway; the line ‘We’ll always have that airport in Germany where I accidentally shot down Don Cheadle’; and just as the tears start, an obscure X-Man randomly falling out of the sky, announcing a new super-team… take that, classic Hollywood!

TOM-FOOLERY

I’ve had further thoughts concerning the Expendables sequels that I wrote about last month. My idea would be to have Tom Hardy, Tom Cruise, Tom Hiddleston, Tom Hanks and possibly Tom Baker get together to stop Tommy Lee Jones’ villain from world tom-ination. The title? Extomdables, obviously.

Can’t help feeling you’ve got a personal stake in this one… Clumsily inserted scene where characters are ‘casually’ playing Talking Tom & Friends? Gotta think about those merch deals!

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