Dialogue

Mail, rants, theories etc.

‘It was pretty poor. Obvious twists, no real explanations or reveals. As fantastic as Olivia Colman was, she deserved way better.’

@MorayBarrySNP [on Secret Invasion]

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★ STAR LETTER

Oppenheimer’s box-office success has restored my faith in humanity a little. The public has proved there’s an appetite for movies not to dumb down but to smarten up. I think studios should heed this message and offer more physicsbased films. I have a few suggestions: The Mass x Acceleration Awakens; Salmon Fission in the Yemen; The Joule of the Nile; Sherlock Ohms; The Hertz Locker; Animal Quarkers and, of course, Boom Boom: Oppenheimer Meets Basil Brush. The possibilities are ∞. Come on, Hollywood – it’s not rocket science… or is it?

It’s certainly time to make amends for all those misleading titles like Quantum of Solace, Atomic Blonde, Heat and Gravity, which are all fun and fisticuffs with nary a blackboard lecture between them. Would it have killed De Niro and Pacino to squeeze some bantz about the laws of thermodynamics into their little coffee break? Jack and everyone with a letter printed here will receive a copy of Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret., out now on digital, Blu-ray and DVD via Lionsgate UK. Didn’t send an address? Email it! Or else start praying!

MOON SHOT

I’ll start with the good stuff: I appreciate the mag and get excited for each issue arriving in the letter box… BUT I have to voice my disgust that the usually incredible Jamie Graham picked Moon as the film he hates! [See Subscriber Insider, issue 340] I know it’s a personal opinion, but I’m flabbergasted. I need to know the reasoning behind this baffling choice.

Over to our Jamie… ‘Hi Peter. “Hate” is too strong, but I do feel that Moon is overrated, mainly because it feels stitched together from a dozen superior sci-fi movies. That said, I’ve not returned to it since the original press screening, so I’ll give it another go, just for you! I’ll report back…’

GRETA EXPECTATIONS

As a longtime subscriber, I was appalled to realise you’ve given zero attention to one of the best (and most popular) films of the year -Barbie! Where are the interviews with Greta Gerwig, Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling? Where’s the on-set coverage? There’s not even a review! Have you been asleep at the wheel?!

Barbie… Barbie… That’s the one where Ken Branagh keeps banging on about horses and ‘beach’, is that right? Or are we getting in a muddle? The doors to Barbieland opened relatively close to release – though we did run a Teasers piece (see issue 338), plus plenty more coverage on our website and weekly podcast. The review, meanwhile, is on pages 76-77; we toyed with the idea of running it in pink ink, but it would have been a) illegible and b) as if Peppa Pig had fallen into the printing press.

BURST IMPRESSIONS

I desperately need your help because I think I may be losing my mind, my memory or a bit of both! I recently rewatched one of my favourite films, Alien 3. I was certain that when Ripley descends into the furnace at the end, the alien she’s carrying bursts from her chest, but she manages to keep hold of it and they die together. Yet watching it this time, she just jumps in and dies. Did I imagine the other ending? Am I remembering it wrong? Is it the Mandela effect? A different DVD version?

Right fourth time, Jacqueline; it sounds like the version you watched is the Assembly Cut (from the 2003 Alien Quadrilogy box set), which features a whole slew of changes from the theatrical edit (including the main xenomorph erupting from an ox rather than a dog). So, which do we prefer: chestburster in, or chestburster out? And what else would you like to see an alien explode messily from? Dialogue votes for one of Rocky’s cow-carcass punching bags. Gotta be ready for anything, Rocko.

PAPER BOON

While searching in my loft recently, I found a box full of cinema tickets from the 1990s, for showings of the likes of Toy Story, Saving Private Ryan, Titanic and Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace. I wondered, are they worth anything – or am I better off just throwing them away?

‘$500m opening weekend minimum for the sequel if this happens.’

@jambon75 [on the possibility of Cillian Murphy playing a Ken]

They probably won’t make you a millionaire, but you could try listing them on eBay (if you do end up a millionaire, we want an exclusive set visit to any subsequent biopic). How about a game of ‘Who in readerland has the oldest ticket stub?’ Please don’t send them into the TF office; there are already so many random bits of paper, it’s as if the parchment-Vulture guy from Across the Spider-Verse flew by for an epic moult.

BUM DEAL

What a time to be a film fan. Indiana Jones and the McGuffin, Barbenheimer, Mission: Tompossible… I’ve seen them all and loved them. Unfortunately, after not moving for a collective 12 hours (including trailers and ads), I can no longer feel my legs or bum, so I’m currently taking an extensive physiotherapy course to allow me to go back and do it all over again. Totally worth it, though.

It hasn’t been a bad summer, all round, has it? Even despite all those part-work blockbusters that left us expecting Oppenheimer to end on a ‘KA–’ to be followed by a ‘--BOOM!!’ next July. But do take care of yourselves, beloved readers, and remember: cinema isn’t everything. There’s streaming, too.