YOU TALKIN’ TO ME?

FILM QUOTES POSE AS QUESTIONS. FILM STARS TRY TO COPE.

IN THE CROSSHAIRS THIS MONTH… DAVID CROSS

You talkin’ to me?

No, I’m not. Sorry, this happens every once in a while, especially on Zoom, but there’s a gentleman behind you. It looks like he’s trying to get in through the window? Anyway, I’m talking to him. On Zoom it gets weird so I apologise if there was any awkwardness, but no – I’m talking to the gentleman. At least I think it’s a guy? It’s tough to tell these days.

Do you feel lucky, punk?

This is going to get me in trouble with my wife but I haven’t hung out with Lucky Punk in a long time. And yes, there were occasions when there was a bit too much to drink and I did feel Lucky Punk but he was cool with it – it was a different time. I’ve apologised for it. I’ve said everything there is to say. If Lucky Punk wants to chime in, that’s their prerogative, but for me, I just want to be honest and upfront.

How much can you know about yourself if you’ve never been in a fight?

Pretty much everything there is to know about yourself without having gotten into a fight. [After you’ve been in a fight] you would know everything about yourself and what you would learn after having been in a fight. So the answer is: everything but what you would learn after being in a fight. You’re not devoid of knowledge of yourself if you haven’t been in a fight; there’s plenty of stuff to draw from. You’d literally learn the tiniest extra bit. Like, ‘Oh, I guess I’m good enough to fight’ or ‘I guess I’m scared’. But I’ll fight you if there’s something you’d like to learn?

Why so serious?

I’ll be honest with you, I just learned some pretty heavy news. When we were getting ready to do this interview, I just learned that apparently I’m going to the UK as well as Ireland to do some stand-up shows and that’s really rattled me a little bit. I’ve got to prep for it. I’m going to have to go into that darkened cave that Aaron Rodgers went into where he made his big decision about whether he was going to continue playing football. And there’s a backlog. There’s Bill Gates, the shittiest Vanderpump woman and then Adele. They’ve all got time slots so I’ll have to figure out when I can get into the dark, windowless cave and prep myself for the UK and Ireland shows. But I’ll get there.

Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?

Prior to this, I was short but I’ve had some work done on my kneecaps – I’ve had them extended and I had the top of my head filled. I don’t know if you can tell but this is a wig and I’ve had my hair extended upwards, it’s now a beehive bouffant. Yes, it’s cheating a little in a way because if I were to shave then you’re right, I’m short, but with the kneecap extensions and the wig I can definitely ride the stormtrooper ride.

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

I could answer affirmatively but as with so many of these questions, your specificity requires that I don’t. Yes, I have danced with the devil. Yes, it was in the moonlight. No, it was not pale. Are you happy? I could’ve said yes but now I have to say no. I would’ve loved to have said yes but because you made it specific, you took that enjoyment away from me so the answer’s no, even though it’s kind of yes but it’s also no. It’s not even ‘also no’, it is no because it wasn’t pale. Fine. Whatever. Got me. You happy? Fuck you.

What’s your favourite scary movie?

Gosh… There have been a couple but I’m going to say Anchorman 2. I mean, I was kidnapped at the time and it was playing in the background. I don’t think its intent was to scare me but it was scary nonetheless.

You talk the talk. But do you walk the walk?

I do. Again, the kneecap extension has helped that tremendously. It was an additional benefit because before I could talk the talk but I couldn’t walk the walk but I could walk the talk and I could also talk the walk but once I got my kneecaps extended, then I was finally able to walk the walk and now I’m proud to say that I’ve entered my first 10K Walk the Walk, which is raising money for spina bifida.

Do these effectively hide my thunder?

I’m sorry to say no – that thunder is roaring, ripping, scaring children, dogs are barking. It’s harmless – it’s just a loud noise – but it’s still a loud noise that is scaring the entire community.

DAVID CROSS’ WORST DADDY IN THE WORLD TOUR IS CURRENTLY PLAYING IN THE UK AND IRELAND.

QUESTIONS TAKEN FROM: TAXI DRIVER, DIRTY HARRY, FIGHT CLUB, THE DARK KNIGHT, STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE, BATMAN, SCREAM, FULL METAL JACKET, ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT