60 SECOND SCREENPLAY

TF SAVES YOU THE COST OF A MOVIE EVERY MONTH. THIS ISSUE: INDIANA JONES AND THE DIAL OF DESTINY

FADE IN:

INT: NAZI TRAIN, 1944

A CGI de-aged HARRISON FORD looks convincingly young, until he speaks or moves. He and archaeologist buddy TOBY JONES escape from Nazi MADS MIKKELSEN.

HARRISON FORD

Damn, the ancient lance we were tracking is a fake! Never mind, here’s a handy pile of other priceless MacGuffins just lying around.

TOBY JONES

Ooh, there’s half of the Archimedes Dial. That will be useful for an apt, time-themed adventure when you’re really old.

INT: COLLEGE, NEW YORK, 1969

HARRISON FORD is now really old. He conveniently gives a lecture on Archimedes and then immediately retires.

PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE

Remember me? I’m your old friend Toby’s daughter, with anachronistically modern sensibilities and a snazzy, adventurer-chic dress sense. I need the Archimedes Dial.

HARRISON FORD

That immensely significant artefact that belongs in a museum? Yeah, we threw it in the college storeroom somewhere.

MADS MIKKELSEN and his goons suddenly attack. HARRISON FORD escapes on a horse through a CGI street parade while PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE takes the dial.

JOHN RHYS-DAVIES

Harry! It’s me, your old adventure buddy. I am now rather unceremoniously a cab driver. I’ll take you to the airport for the sake of a cameo, but then stay behind rather than help in any way.

INT: HOTEL, TANGIER

PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE is hosting a sassy black-market auction. She’s interrupted when HARRISON FORD interrupts and then MADS MIKKELSEN also interrupts.

MADS MIKKELSEN

I need BOTH halves of the dial so I can use it to go back in time!

He takes the dial. HARRISON FORD, PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE and her young Short Roundsubstitute sidekick chase him in a tuk-tuk for a really, really long time.

HARRISON FORD

Time travel? That’s ridiculous! I don’t believe such an outlandish notion, and I’ve witnessed actual real-life ghosts. And the secret to eternal life. And my own fourth movie.

EXT: BOAT, GREECE

They meet ANTONIO BANDERAS, a sea diver, so they can retrieve yet another MacGuffin. For some reason, he makes them do the dive themselves.

MADS MIKKELSEN

A-ha! Even though you were following me earlier, I’ve just been following you! Hand over the latest MacGuffin, so I can find the rest of the dial.

They escape, but only after PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE has explained how the MacGuffin works. MADS MIKKELSEN just follows them again.

PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE

Harrison, if you could go back in time, where would you go?

HARRISON FORD

I’d stop my son Shia LaBeouf from dying in the Vietnam War. That’s why Karen Allen and I divorced. Or maybe I’d just erase that whole last film altogether…

INT: CAVERN, SICILY

HARRISON FORD and PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE find Archimedes’ tomb and discover the second half of the dial as well as a natty modern wristwatch on his skeleton.

MADS MIKKELSEN

A-ha! Now hand over the dial! I’m going back to kill Hitler so that the Nazis can win the war! Because my villainous hot take is that Hitler was a softie.

MADS MIKKELSEN flies them into a time hole and they actually arrive in 212 BC. Their plane is immediately shot down and MADS MIKKELSEN just dies straight away.

ARCHIMEDES

This was my plan all along. The dial was designed to lead future time travellers to me. Somehow. Ooh, I like that dead guy’s watch!

HARRISON FORD

I don’t want to go back. There’s nothing there for me. Let me die here, even though that would have huge consequences for our timeline.

PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE

Now would be a good time for a speech about letting go of the past and focusing on the present, thus neatly tying up the themes of this whole franchise.

Instead she just hits him over the head and knocks him out. He wakes up at home and reunites with KAREN ALLEN CAMEO. They snog awkwardly.

HARRISON FORD

Let’s hope no one discovers the 2,000-year-old plane and Nazi uniforms currently buried in Sicily…

FIN

NEXT ISSUE: MEG 2: THE TRENCH